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Dog’s New Year Resolutions

1.     I will not bark at the garbage collector; he is not stealing our stuff.

2.     I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

3.     I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4.     I will shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5.     I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6.     I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7.     I will not throw up in the car.

8.     I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9.     I will not eat the tootsie rolls out of the kitty litter box. Although they are tasty, are not food.

10.    I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11.    I will remember the diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12.    I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

13.    I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14.    When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15.    We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16.    I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17.    I will not use the sofa as a face towel (or mom & dad’s laps).

18.    I will not put my head in the refrigerator.

19.    I will not growl at the officer when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

20.    I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

21.    I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22.    I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.

23.    I will remember that sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24.    I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25.    I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26.    I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27.    The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.

28.    I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

29.    I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30.    The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

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